Best date ever!

 "It has been such a long time since we went out together, just you and me."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what a couple generally do? Go out for dinner or a movie. I think it's called a date."

"What do you mean?"

"I give up. I did not realize you were this hopeless."

"oh come on! All I meant was that we have been going out almost every week. So I am a little surprised when you say that it's been a long time since we went out."

"Are you serious right now?"

"I am."

"You sure this is not your Ray Romano kind of moment where you come out with puerile comedy."

"What do you mean?"
"I mean - have you been daydreaming about us going out on a date or is it your way of saying that you have been going out with my spirit or something..."

"You honestly are telling me that you think we haven't gone out almost every week?"

"I am telling you that I honestly don't remember the last time we have gone out in years..."

"We went out a couple of days ago?"
"You call that going out?"
"We did go out of the house, so yes I do call it going out."

"Going to the store to buy groceries my dear does not constitute going out."

"It doesn't?"

"It doesn't"

"Why not?"

"Because we are going to get stuff that we need to live and that does not mean we are on a date."

"What does being on a date mean?"

"You know to have fun, talk to each other in peace, enjoy some music, some food..."

"We did all that and more!"

"What do you mean?"
"We talked so much during that time..."

"Talking about which flavor and size of tea leaves to get is not exactly having a conversation."

"Expounding on the virtues of Assam tea vs English Tea is a conversation for any day!"

""

"Speechless, aren't you?"
" I am"

"We had conversations about the fresh oranges, the raw papayas, the absence of milk..."

"Yes, the most intellectually stimulating conversation I ever had in my life..."

"Not to mention the lilting music we were dancing and singing to..."

"What do you mean?"
"You know the romantic songs that were playing in the store..."

""

"Speechless again I see..."

""
"Of course you are. We were both dancing to it, having so much fun. It was a song from our favorite movie..."

""

"And as if that is not enough then we follow it up with a meal too."

"You call grabbing a hasty snack because we are ravenously hungry but need to get back home and put away the groceries, a meal?"

"Well, you always like the food."

"It's good food no doubt but calling that a meal is a bit much."
"I think it's a lovely end to an awesome day..."

""

"Best date ever!"

""

"and we have done it practically every week and for every week for the foreseeable future!"

....

Don't change the topic!

She: I should have been either born a man or a dumb woman.

He: ???

She: Well, I have been struggling for the past hour trying to get our middle schooler to understand how to solve inequalities by graphing intersecting planes.

He: Are you sure that is not our high schooler?

She: Don't change the topic.

He: Well, I do have a hard time understanding how struggling with trigonometry wants you to be reborn?

She: It's Algebra...not trigonometry.

He: Don't change the topic!

She: I meant that if I were a man then I would also be cooly watching TV like you are and if I were a dumb woman I would not be trying to get these concepts into the head of a child who seems to have taken after the man of the family.

He: Well, that would have made you a smart woman, not a dumb one!

She: Are you saying I am dumb?

He: I never said that.

She: Well, you definitely seem to be implying it.

He: I am doing nothing of that sort. But I wonder if you are saying I am useless?

She: Yes

He: WHAT?

She: That's exactly what I am implying.

He: What do you mean by that?

She: Well, what do you do except put food on the table.

He: Well, that is like asking Oxygen, what else do you do other than supporting life?

She: To that, Oxygen can answer, I help with combustion; I protect the Earth from Sun's harmful rays; I mix with Hydrogen to form water...

He: Don't change the topic!

She: For once I don't mind changing the topic.

He: Well, I do!

She: Ok, so what do you want to say about the topic.

He: Well, it's not like I haven't tried to teach the kids. But you are so hoity-toity that you can't really have me teach them my way. You have to butt in and force your way of teaching down my throat.

She: That's not called 'my' way of teaching. That's called the right way of teaching.

He: What do you mean?

She: Well, to give you a small example:  a+b whole squared is not a-squared + b-squared.

He: Of course, it is not.

She: How come you were teaching it to our kindergartener last week?

He: I was coming to the 2ab part of it.

She: You were not!

He: I was too.

She: You stopped at a-squared + b-squared.

He: I merely paused

She: A pause does not take 5 minutes.

He: I had to take an important phone call.

She: by the end of which he had finished his problems with that formula.

He: You did not give me a chance to correct it. You jumped in and took over.

She: What else was I supposed to do? Wait for you to finish the call 30 minutes later.

He: I was going to be done in like 2 mins, but when I saw that Xena had taken over, I continued with the phone call.

She: If you were serious about teaching, you would not take a phone call in the midst of a formula.

He: It was my mother, I had to take it.

She: Of course!
He: Don't change the topic.

She: Don't worry! The topic is still - I want to be either born a man or a dumb woman in my next life. 

One good thing

 She: Such a beautiful evening.

He: uh-huh...

She: The breeze seems so heavenly.

He: uh-huh...

She: Doesn't everything look golden as the time nears sunset?

He: umm-hmm

She: This is the favorite part of my day. The setting sun imparting so many different colors to the sky and everything that it touches

He: uh-huh...

She: I can't get enough of it

He: uh-huh...

She: I am so happy to be sitting next to you watching such an awesome scene from the comfort of our room...truly I am so blessed. So blessed!

He: uh-huh...

She: I absolutely love being with you, you are everything to me.

He: uh!

She: Your turn

He: uh-huh

She: I said it's your turn

He: huh?

She: Your turn

He: uh-oh!

She: You weren't listening to me, were you?

He: huh?

She: Well, I don't want to descend into a bad mood at this glorious hour, so I shall let it pass...

He: huh!

She: So, basically I have been saying some really nice things about you and I want you to say one good thing to me...your turn :-)

He: ah!

She: I am waiting...

He: ...

She: If this is that stupid song that you claim to be our song, I don't want to hear it. The first few times it was cute but not the 152nd time and definitely not the 153rd time!

He: Ummm...

She: And it better not be that oft-repeated sher that you snagged from Ghalib please. I want something original from you. It's hard I know, but you have to do it for me this one time - just one good thing!

He: hic

She: And if you even think about uttering an insipid I-love-you, you better think again!

He: hic...hic...hic

She: Also, that SRK film that you mouth dialogues from is 100 years old.

He: huh?

She: I want to hear something I haven't heard or read before. Not in a song, neither in a film, neither in a book.

He: ulp...

She: I want to listen to your heart. I want to feel your love for me in your words.

He: huh?

She: I want you to sing from the depths of your being. I want you to make me feel on top of the world...you know in the seventh heaven kind of thing...

He: UH-HUH!

She: You can tell me how lovely I am, how much I mean to you, that you can live without breathing, but that you can't live with me.

He: huh?

She: Isn't that right? I mean I am sure you can live without breathing on your own, but I sure can bet that you can't live a minute without me in your life. Isn't that so dear?

He: uh-huh!

She: Awww Sweetie, this is the best day of my life. You have never said anything as endearing to me as you did just now.

He: :-)

She: I love you so much, love. Thank you for making this beautiful day even better.

He: I will say one more one-good-thing...

She: you will?

He: In fact more than one good thing...

She: This must be a dream, surely!

He: Your simplicity amazes me. It doesn't take a lot to make you happy and that quality of yours makes me love you with the same intensity that you love me. Meri jaan, you truly are the best thing to ever happened to me.

She: It is a dream!

He: uh-huh!

Grocery Shopping anyone?

“Good Morning…”
“Good Morning…”
“Are you going to go grocery shopping today?”
“I might!”
“If you don’t then I will”
“No, I don’t want you shopping for groceries. You know  you get so many things that are either not needed or just way too expensive”
“What do you mean?I never do that…”
“Yes you don’t. The 12-pack oatmeal flour is still laying there unopened…”
“Well oatmeal flour is really good for you”
“I am sure it is, but don’t you think it would be better to buy something that we have the remote chance of using…”
“Well, you could use it to replace the wheat flour that you use for making rotis”
“Why don’t you try doing that?”
“I will and I assure you they will be softer and tastier than anything you have ever made or ever tasted”
“I am sure if I ever get to eat them that is.”
“Just around the corner…”
“Yeah, been waiting for that since you decided to go grocery shopping the first time after our marriage!”
“Your exaggerations will one day kill me…”
“I am speaking the truth…”
“and what about the time I made dinner for you…”
“Store bought yogurt and boiled rice does not make a dinner…”
“You are so unappreciative. It’s the thought that counts..”
“Sure. But what about all the stuff you bought to make dinner that day. I had to plan meals around it for weeks…”
“Well, I was planning it. If it was not for the surprise visit from your best friend, I would have made a grand meal…”
“I am sure. There is always something…”
“Well I couldn’t just cook with her waiting alone for you now could I?”
“Of course your couldn’t, Mr.Gentleman that you are…”
“Thank you!”
“Seriously!”
“One simple question and you drag me through all this muck…”
“If I don’t, then you will drag me through never-ending amounts of food I can’t cook or eat…”
“Bah!”
“Bah! it is..”
“And you still haven’t answered my question…”
“which is…”
“…are you going grocery shopping today?”
“That is not a question…”
“What do you mean?”

“I think it is more of a statement”
“?”
“A statement asking me to go to grocery shopping!”
“I never said that…”

“Well, you did!”

“Gosh! You do have a knack of morphing my innocent questions into bold statements.”
“Yes being with you for so long has trained me to differentiate between what you are actually saying and what you really mean.”
“Wow you sure are an antaryami!”
“With you I am”
“Bah!”
“How many times have you uttered that word in the past few minutes…”
“You should know, you are the know it all after all!”
“20”
“There goes your exaggeration again…!”
“Well if you don’t answer then I shall”

“Even if is wrong…”
“That’s what you think”
“Bah!”
“25…”
“Sheesh”

“That amounts to a bah too!”

“Good Lord!”
“37”
“..ok..ok I give up. Will your highness be kind enough to please tell this mere mortal if she would condescend to go grocery shopping today?”
“…”
“What?”
“…”
“Now what? I think I was being sufficiently polite in asking you the question instead of making it seem like I was making a statement!”
“Well, you were!”
“Do you think you will answer my question…”
“I already did…”

“when?”
“I told you, I might before you got on my back to force me to do it…”
“I never did any sort of that thing…”

“You know exactly what I say when you offer to do the grocery…”

“This is just peachy. You don’t want me to do it and you don’t know when you are going to do it…”
“I never said that. What do you need so bad that you actually want to go grocery shopping”
“Honey…”
“What?”

“Honey as in the real honey, not you!”
“Real honey?”

“The kind that bees make…”

“Why would you need honey?”

“I think we should replace our sugar with honey!”
“…why..what?”

“Sugar is the root cause of all food related evil that exists in this world!”
“Whoa!”
“What?”

“Was this the article you were reading last night…”

“Well so what if I was?”
“I am convinced that we need to replace our sugar intake with honey!”
“OK! So are we supposed to do it like right now..”
“Well, the sooner the better”
“Bah!”
“does the count go up even if you utter the word or does the privilege apply only to me?”
“I am not sure what you are talking about…”
“Oh my God! You who knows what I am thinking don’t know what I am saying…”

“You are insufferable”
“and you are the most wonderful woman in the world!”
“Why, thank you!”
“You are very welcome…”

“...and for saying that I will think about going grocery shopping today!”
“…and not to mention you are the most beautiful woman in the world…”
“ aww shut up!”
“Don’t forget the honey…unheated..unprocessed…organic…”
“BAH SHUT UP!”

Exercise Part 2

She: All men are slime said the little bird. 

He: Said who? 

She: said the little bird. 

He: What little bird? 

She: It's just an expression I am using. 

He: Using for what? 

She: There is this exercise I am doing in creative writing and the story starter is 'All men are slime' 

He: What an obnoxious start that is. 

She: What do you mean? 

He: I mean how can one give a general statement like that. 

She: Well it does not mean that 100% of the men are slime... 

He: Well the all in there suggests just that. 

She: Hmmm... 

He: You don't agree? 

She: I think it suggests that there is a bit of slime in every man... 

He: Even that is an obnoxious statement. 

She: You don't think so? He: Of course I don't! 

She: Do you think that there is not a bit of err slime in every man...? 

He: So you think I am slime...! 

She: WHAT? 

He: Well if you think that there is a bit of slime in every single man on the planet then for sure you think the same about me. 

She: There is no need to take it so personally. 

He: Well there is no need to make such a sweeping generalization. 

She: Touchy, aren't we? 

He: Well I really do not like it when women tend to say negative things that encompass the whole of mankind... 

She: How do you know a woman made that statement?

 He: Yeah well I guess a bird did! It's so obvious. 

She: How so? 

He: Who else can hold men in such contempt. 

She: Don't you think we have a reason to? 

He: We are the protectors, providers, and whatnot. Yet we have to deal with drivel like this. 

She: Oh come on...so in return for your 'protection' and 'providence' we have to deal with your slime 

He: well there are bad eggs everywhere..does not mean the whole basket is rotten. 

She: Yes you are right, but still, I kinda agree with the statement. 

He: Explain to me please...how so? 

She: I think the basic nature of a man...when pushed to a limit they tend to turn to slime... 

He: You can't be serious 

She: Well isn't it a proven fact that the true nature of a man is revealed when he is put in a difficult situation...like a war for example which brings out the worst in us. 

He: Well that would apply to the whole of humankind now, won't it? Why just hand the privilege to us poor souls... 

She: Pour souls, yeah right! 

He: When did you become a feminist all of a sudden? 

She:After I got married to you maybe! 

He: BAH! 

She: Hahaha! 

 He: Women are so emotional! 

She: Who says that? 

He: The eagle. 

She: Looks who's generalizing now. 

He: Well we poor men don't have a choice now don't we? 

She: I know from when you became an MCP. 

He: When? 

She: From the time you were born!

Much ado about nothing....

He:zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
She: Are you sleeping?
He: uhhh...?
She: Are you asleep yet?
He:...well..I was until a sec ago...
She:So you are not now, right?
He: Does not look like it.
She: Good! I didn't want to wake you up you know!
He: I know! What's up?
She: Nothing...
He: You wake me up midnight and tell me its nothing...
She: I did not wake you up.
He: huh?
She: You said you were already awake...
He: Right. I was.
She:
He: What's bothering you?
She: Why do you assume something is bothering me...
He: So you are good?
She: Yes, I am good.
He: Good....zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
She:
He:zzzzzzzzzzzz
She: Did you fall asleep again?
He: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
She: Honey...
He: zzz...huh??
She: I am sorry.
He: What time is it?
She: 12:10
He: Its only been 10 minutes?
She: Longest 10 mins of my life...
He: Ok I am sitting up now. What is it?
She: Nothing...
He: Whatever it is, please tell me and let me go back to sleep again.
She: All you care about is sleeping.
He: huh?
She: Here I am unable to get a wink of sleep and you keep snoring like there is no tomorrow.
He: Well my dear, there is and that is what I am getting ready for.
She: bah!
He: Out with it.
she: Do you really care?
He: What do you mean?
She: Are you asking because you care or because you want to get back to sleep?
He: Both.
She: Can't be both.
He: Well it is.
She: No!
He: OK! Now that you have decided what it is, why don't you tell me?
She: Tell you what?
He: Tell me whatever is bothering you
She: Nothing is bothering me.
He: OK! So you are waking me up like every 2 mins to tell me this?
She: First I am not waking you up..
He: Oh, so you are just talking to me in your sleep.
She: I was just trying to determine if you were awake or sleeping.
He: Well my dear I have news for you. If someone is lying in bed at 12 0'clock in the night and is not stirring and you can hear their heavy breathing and their eyes are closed, then voila! they are asleep!
She: You are being sarcastic now.
He: OK so what do you want me to be? Tell me!
She: You dont' care, do you?
He: Don't care about what?
She: About me!
He: WHAT?
She: boohoo
He: I know you have great deductive powers, but pray tell how did you come to this conclusion from a couple of words I said?
She: [sniff sniff]
He: ok ok I am sorry. But there is nothing much I can do unless you tell me what is going on.
She: Do you remember the time?
He: time to sleep you mean?
She: Not this time...
He: then Which time?
She: The time when you used to know everything that was going on in my head without me even saying a word about it.
He: Really? There was such a time...
She: You used to say that you could decipher everything that was bothering me by just looking at my eyes.
He: I did!
She: Yes you did. What happened?
He: Well we were simple souls then....
She: you mean I have gotten complicated?
He: We all grow up....change...
She: You mean I am getting old!
He: I meant I am getting old. So I am not able to be as..err..as intuitive as I used to be.
She: hmmmm...ok...
He:(phew!)
She: Still those were the days....
He: Agree with you.
She: So you are not happy now?
He: When did I say that?
She: You implied that the bygone days were better...
He: I was merely agreeing with you...
She: What happened to those days?
He: ummm... we got married?
She: WHAT?
He: hehe, just kidding dear.
She:bah
He: There, there! I am not at my sharpest this time of the night you know.
She: If you were, would you have known?
He: uh-oh!
She: ?
He: Yes, my dear, I would definitely have had a good guess.
She: You are lying!
He: Am I?
She: You are!
He: OK if you say so, since you seem to be on a high reading me better than myself.
She: That is the way it should be...
He: What?
She: The relationship.
He: Which relationshi?
She: Our relationship.
He: What's wrong with our relationship?
She: You are!
He: WOW!
She: Well you ARE!
He: And I guess you are the right one!
She: 99% of the time.
He: I thank you for bestowing that 1% of positivity on poor me.
She: Are you fighting with me now?
He: I am trying to defend myself.
She: Good Lord.
He: What?
She: Its 1am and you are fighting with me at this unearthly hour
He: ?????!!!
She: We have work tomorrow you know.
He: Finally! You realize that..a bit late..but better later than never!
She: Oh, right I don't.
He: Don't What?
She: Don't have work tomorrow. Some construction at office tomorrow. They asked us to stay home for the day.
He: @##@*$!!!^#
She: So that must be the reason...
He: #*@)#_@##-)@
She: That must be why I was not able to fall asleep.
He: @##@*$!!
She: Are you swearing at me now?
He: #$@#@##(@#_@#(#@@@$%$!!!
She: Go to sleep now, its really late. You have to get up earlier than I do. Don't know what it is with you that you have to take these matters up at this unearthly hour especially having to go out to work tomorrow.
He: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
She: How does he do it? How does he fall asleep in a sec. The words go to sleep weren't even out of my mouth yet....
He: [snore snore snore]
She: and he is snoring the next minute....
He: [SNORE SNORE SNORE]
She: Bah! MEN!

Men and Money!

She: Hey!
He: You are back?
She:Yes.
He: How'd it go?
She:Bad.
He: Yeah I can see it, pretty swollen.
She: I know(groan).
He: So all done?
She: No have an appointment next week.
He: How long is this going to go on?
She: What do you mean?
He: I mean is there an end to it?
She: End to dental cleanings? Give me a break.
He: No I meant...
She: I know what you meant.
He: What?
She: If you don't believe in getting something done, does not mean the whole world should follow your way.
He: I never said that.
She: Well you do have the knack of not saying anything and conveying a lot!
He: oh come on!
She: When was the last time you had a cleaning done?
He: You know me I believe in not disturbing things just because dentists want to earn more money.
She: You mean to say I brought this upon myself?
He: I never said that.
She: There is a lot you don't say. Maybe you should start saying something. Anyways I have to say something.
He: What?
She: I need some special treatment which the insurance does not cover.
He: Ulp!
She: What?
He: oh nothing! Go on.
She: So anyways the bill it going to be between 600-750 bucks.
He: Double ulp!
She: Sheesh
He: Is it absolutely neccessary?
She: Well the dentist thinks so.
He: Maybe you should get a second opinion?
She: I trust my dentist. I have been going to him for a while now.
He: The precise reason why I don't trust him. Fella has made thousands on us for sure.
She: What do you mean?
He: Nothing.
She: Yeah its nothing all over again. Why is it that when it comes to spending a few bucks on your wives, you men go crazy out of your minds.
He: When did I do that?
She: Like yesterday when I said I might need a new car and now today on my dentist bill!
He: I did not!
She: Well to me it seems like you did.
He: What are you saying?
She: I know what you are saying.
He: I didn't say anything.
She: Still I know what you are trying to say.
He: Well I can't help it if you conjure things up.
She: Bah!

(Next morning)
She: What are you doing?
He: Balancing the checkbook.
She: oh!
He: How much did you say the extra dentist bill would be?
She: uff!
He: What?

(A few mornings later)
He: So when is the appointment.
She: What appointment?
He: You know the one with the dentist which the insurance does not cover?
She: Do you have to drive that point across every day?
He: What point?
She: Sheesh!

(Still few mornings later)
He: Is the credit card bill in?
She: Yes, surprisingly low this time?
He: Really?
She: Yep. Nice.
He: Looks like the extra dentist charge that the insurance does not cover did not go through yet!
She: !

(A month later)
She: Bye.
He: Where are you off to?
She: Its my dentist appointment today.
He: Oh! Is it the same one where you need to get some stuff done which the insurance does not cover?
She: YES!
He: How much is it?
She: How much is what?
He: The amount...the insurance...
She: does not cover?
He: Yes!
She: Go to hell!
He: What did I say??!


(Later that evening)
He: Done?
She:
He: How do you feel?
She:
He: So how much did the bill end up to be?
She:
He: 1000 bucks you said, didn't you?
She:
He: You should have told the dentist he should apply to insurance and see what happens.
She:
He: For all you know they might just cover it.
she:
He: You are not talking. Looks like the procedure was tough. Well I hope it was worth it, since the insurance is not covering it.
She: GET OUT!
He: oh you can speak!! So maybe the procedure wasn't that tough eh?
She:
He: Definitely not worth the amount that the insurance did not cover for sure.
She: aargh!