Friday, August 29, 2014

Grocery Shopping anyone?

“Good Morning…”
“Good Morning…”
“Are you going to go grocery shopping today?”
“I might!”
“If you don’t then I will”
“No, I don’t want you shopping for groceries. You know  you get so many things that are either not needed or just way too expensive”
“What do you mean?I never do that…”
“Yes you don’t. The 12-pack oatmeal flour is still laying there unopened…”
“Well oatmeal flour is really good for you”
“I am sure it is, but don’t you think it would be better to buy something that we have the remote chance of using…”
“Well, you could use it to replace the wheat flour that you use for making rotis”
“Why don’t you try doing that?”
“I will and I assure you they will be softer and tastier than anything you have ever made or ever tasted”
“I am sure if I ever get to eat them that is.”
“Just around the corner…”
“Yeah, been waiting for that since you decided to go grocery shopping the first time after our marriage!”
“Your exaggerations will one day kill me…”
“I am speaking the truth…”
“and what about the time I made dinner for you…”
“Store bought yogurt and boiled rice does not make a dinner…”
“You are so unappreciative. It’s the thought that counts..”
“Sure. But what about all the stuff you bought to make dinner that day. I had to plan meals around it for weeks…”
“Well, I was planning it. If it was not for the surprise visit from your best friend, I would have made a grand meal…”
“I am sure. There is always something…”
“Well I couldn’t just cook with her waiting alone for you now could I?”
“Of course your couldn’t, Mr.Gentleman that you are…”
“Thank you!”

“One simple question and you drag me through all this muck…”
“If I don’t, then you will drag me through never-ending amounts of food I can’t cook or eat…”

“Bah! it is..”
“And you still haven’t answered my question…”
“which is…”
“…are you going grocery shopping today?”
“That is not a question…”
“What do you mean?”
“I think it is more of an statement”
“A statement asking me to go to grocery shopping!”
“I never said that…”
“Well you did!”
“Gosh! You do have a knack of morphing my innocent questions to bold statements.”
“Yes being with you for so long has trained me to differentiate between what you are actually saying and what you really mean.”
“Wow you sure are an antaryami!
“With you I am”
“How many times have you uttered that word in the past few minutes…”
“You should know, you are the know it all after all!”
“There goes your exaggeration again…!”
“Well if you don’t answer then I shall”

“Even if is wrong…”
“That’s what you think”

“That amounts to a bah too!”

“Good Lord!”
“..ok..ok I give up. Will your highness be kind enough to please tell this mere mortal if she would condescend to go grocery shopping today?”
“Now what? I think I was being sufficiently polite in asking you the question instead of making it seem like I was making a statement!”
“Well, you were!”
“Do you think you will answer my question…”
“I already did…”

“I told you, I might before you got on my back to force me to do it…”
“I never did any sort of that thing…”

“You know exactly what I say when you offer to do the grocery…”

“This is just peachy. You don’t want me to do it and you don’t know when you are going to do it…”
“I never said that. What do you need so bad that you actually want to go grocery shopping”

“Honey as in the real honey, not you!”
“Real honey?”

“The kind that bees make…”

“Why would you need honey?”

“I think we should replace our sugar with honey!”

“Sugar is the root cause of all food related evil that exists in this world!”

“Was this the article you were reading last night…”

“Well so what if I was?”
“I am convinced that we need to replace our sugar intake with honey!”
“OK! So are we supposed to do it like right now..”
“Well, the sooner the better”
“does the count go up even if you utter the word or does the privilege apply only to me?”
“I am not sure what you are talking about…”
“Oh my God! You who knows what I am thinking don’t know what I am saying…”

“You are insufferable”
“and you are the most wonderful woman in the world!”
“Why, thank you!”
“You are very welcome…”

“...and for saying that I will think about going grocery shopping today!”
“…and not to mention you are the most beautiful woman in the world…”
“ aww shut up!”
“Don’t forget the honey…unheated..unprocessed…organic…”

Friday, December 16, 2011

Exercise Part 2

She: All men are slime said the little bird.
He: Said who?
She: said the little bird.
He: What little bird?
She: Its just an expression I am using.
He: Using for what?
She: There is this exercise I am doing in creative writing and the story starter is 'All men are slime'
He: What an obnoxious start that is.
She: What do you mean?
He: I mean how can one give a general statement like that.
She: Well it does not mean that 100% of the men are slime...
He: Well the all in there suggests just that.
She: Hmmm...
He: You don't agree?
She: I think it suggests that there is a bit of slime in every man...
He: Even that is an obnoxious statement.
She: You don't think so?
He: Of course I don't!
She: So you think that there is not a bit of err slime in every man...?
He: So you think I am slime...!
She: WHAT?
He: Well if you think that there is a bit of slime in every single man on the planet then for sure you think the same about m e.
She: There is no need to take it so personally.
He: Well there is no need to make such a sweeping generalization.
She: Touchy, aren't we?
He: Well I really do not like it when women tend to say negative things that encompass the whole of mankind...
She: How do you know a woman made that statement?
He: Yeah well I guess a bird did! It's so obvious.
She: How so?
He: Who else can hold men in such contempt.
She: Don't you think we have a reason to?
He: We are the protectors, providers and what not. Yet we have to deal with drivel like this.
She: oh come in return for your 'protection' and 'providence' we have to deal with your slime
He: well there are bad eggs everywhere..does not mean the whole basket is rotten.
She: Yes you are right, but still I kinda agree with the statement.
He: Explain to me so?
She: I think the basic nature of a man...when pushed to a limit they tend to turn to slime...
He: You can't be serious
She: Well isn't it a proven fact that the true nature of a man is revealed when he is put in a difficult a war for example which brings out the worst in us.
He: Well that would apply to the whole of humankind now won't it? Why just hand the privilege to us poor souls...
She: Pour souls, yeah right!
He: When did you become a feminist all of a sudden?
She:After I got married to you maybe!
He: BAH!
She: Hahaha!

He: Women are so emotional!
She: Who says that?
He: The eagle.
She: Looks who's generalizing now.
He: Well we poor men don't have a choice now don't we?
She: I know from when you became an MCP.
He: When?
She: From the time you were born!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Much ado about nothing....

She: Are you sleeping?
He: uhhh...?
She: Are you asleep yet?
He:...well..I was until a sec ago...
She:So you are not now, right?
He: Does not look like it.
She: Good! I didn't want to wake you up you know!
He: I know! What's up?
She: Nothing...
He: You wake me up midnight and tell me its nothing...
She: I did not wake you up.
He: huh?
She: You said you were already awake...
He: Right. I was.
He: What's bothering you?
She: Why do you assume something is bothering me...
He: So you are good?
She: Yes, I am good.
He: Good....zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
She: Did you fall asleep again?
He: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
She: Honey...
He: zzz...huh??
She: I am sorry.
He: What time is it?
She: 12:10
He: Its only been 10 minutes?
She: Longest 10 mins of my life...
He: Ok I am sitting up now. What is it?
She: Nothing...
He: Whatever it is, please tell me and let me go back to sleep again.
She: All you care about is sleeping.
He: huh?
She: Here I am unable to get a wink of sleep and you keep snoring like there is no tomorrow.
He: Well my dear, there is and that is what I am getting ready for.
She: bah!
He: Out with it.
she: Do you really care?
He: What do you mean?
She: Are you asking because you care or because you want to get back to sleep?
He: Both.
She: Can't be both.
He: Well it is.
She: No!
He: OK! Now that you have decided what it is, why don't you tell me?
She: Tell you what?
He: Tell me whatever is bothering you
She: Nothing is bothering me.
He: OK! So you are waking me up like every 2 mins to tell me this?
She: First I am not waking you up..
He: Oh, so you are just talking to me in your sleep.
She: I was just trying to determine if you were awake or sleeping.
He: Well my dear I have news for you. If someone is lying in bed at 12 0'clock in the night and is not stirring and you can hear their heavy breathing and their eyes are closed, then voila! they are asleep!
She: You are being sarcastic now.
He: OK so what do you want me to be? Tell me!
She: You dont' care, do you?
He: Don't care about what?
She: About me!
She: boohoo
He: I know you have great deductive powers, but pray tell how did you come to this conclusion from a couple of words I said?
She: [sniff sniff]
He: ok ok I am sorry. But there is nothing much I can do unless you tell me what is going on.
She: Do you remember the time?
He: time to sleep you mean?
She: Not this time...
He: then Which time?
She: The time when you used to know everything that was going on in my head without me even saying a word about it.
He: Really? There was such a time...
She: You used to say that you could decipher everything that was bothering me by just looking at my eyes.
He: I did!
She: Yes you did. What happened?
He: Well we were simple souls then....
She: you mean I have gotten complicated?
He: We all grow up....change...
She: You mean I am getting old!
He: I meant I am getting old. So I am not able to be intuitive as I used to be.
She: hmmmm...ok...
She: Still those were the days....
He: Agree with you.
She: So you are not happy now?
He: When did I say that?
She: You implied that the bygone days were better...
He: I was merely agreeing with you...
She: What happened to those days?
He: ummm... we got married?
She: WHAT?
He: hehe, just kidding dear.
He: There, there! I am not at my sharpest this time of the night you know.
She: If you were, would you have known?
He: uh-oh!
She: ?
He: Yes, my dear, I would definitely have had a good guess.
She: You are lying!
He: Am I?
She: You are!
He: OK if you say so, since you seem to be on a high reading me better than myself.
She: That is the way it should be...
He: What?
She: The relationship.
He: Which relationshi?
She: Our relationship.
He: What's wrong with our relationship?
She: You are!
He: WOW!
She: Well you ARE!
He: And I guess you are the right one!
She: 99% of the time.
He: I thank you for bestowing that 1% of positivity on poor me.
She: Are you fighting with me now?
He: I am trying to defend myself.
She: Good Lord.
He: What?
She: Its 1am and you are fighting with me at this unearthly hour
He: ?????!!!
She: We have work tomorrow you know.
He: Finally! You realize that..a bit late..but better later than never!
She: Oh, right I don't.
He: Don't What?
She: Don't have work tomorrow. Some construction at office tomorrow. They asked us to stay home for the day.
He: @##@*$!!!^#
She: So that must be the reason...
He: #*@)#_@##-)@
She: That must be why I was not able to fall asleep.
He: @##@*$!!
She: Are you swearing at me now?
He: #$@#@##(@#_@#(#@@@$%$!!!
She: Go to sleep now, its really late. You have to get up earlier than I do. Don't know what it is with you that you have to take these matters up at this unearthly hour especially having to go out to work tomorrow.
He: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
She: How does he do it? How does he fall asleep in a sec. The words go to sleep weren't even out of my mouth yet....
He: [snore snore snore]
She: and he is snoring the next minute....
She: Bah! MEN!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Men and Money!

She: Hey!
He: You are back?
He: How'd it go?
He: Yeah I can see it, pretty swollen.
She: I know(groan).
He: So all done?
She: No have an appointment next week.
He: How long is this going to go on?
She: What do you mean?
He: I mean is there an end to it?
She: End to dental cleanings? Give me a break.
He: No I meant...
She: I know what you meant.
He: What?
She: If you don't believe in getting something done, does not mean the whole world should follow your way.
He: I never said that.
She: Well you do have the knack of not saying anything and conveying a lot!
He: oh come on!
She: When was the last time you had a cleaning done?
He: You know me I believe in not disturbing things just because dentists want to earn more money.
She: You mean to say I brought this upon myself?
He: I never said that.
She: There is a lot you don't say. Maybe you should start saying something. Anyways I have to say something.
He: What?
She: I need some special treatment which the insurance does not cover.
He: Ulp!
She: What?
He: oh nothing! Go on.
She: So anyways the bill it going to be between 600-750 bucks.
He: Double ulp!
She: Sheesh
He: Is it absolutely neccessary?
She: Well the dentist thinks so.
He: Maybe you should get a second opinion?
She: I trust my dentist. I have been going to him for a while now.
He: The precise reason why I don't trust him. Fella has made thousands on us for sure.
She: What do you mean?
He: Nothing.
She: Yeah its nothing all over again. Why is it that when it comes to spending a few bucks on your wives, you men go crazy out of your minds.
He: When did I do that?
She: Like yesterday when I said I might need a new car and now today on my dentist bill!
He: I did not!
She: Well to me it seems like you did.
He: What are you saying?
She: I know what you are saying.
He: I didn't say anything.
She: Still I know what you are trying to say.
He: Well I can't help it if you conjure things up.
She: Bah!

(Next morning)
She: What are you doing?
He: Balancing the checkbook.
She: oh!
He: How much did you say the extra dentist bill would be?
She: uff!
He: What?

(A few mornings later)
He: So when is the appointment.
She: What appointment?
He: You know the one with the dentist which the insurance does not cover?
She: Do you have to drive that point across every day?
He: What point?
She: Sheesh!

(Still few mornings later)
He: Is the credit card bill in?
She: Yes, surprisingly low this time?
He: Really?
She: Yep. Nice.
He: Looks like the extra dentist charge that the insurance does not cover did not go through yet!
She: !

(A month later)
She: Bye.
He: Where are you off to?
She: Its my dentist appointment today.
He: Oh! Is it the same one where you need to get some stuff done which the insurance does not cover?
She: YES!
He: How much is it?
She: How much is what?
He: The amount...the insurance...
She: does not cover?
He: Yes!
She: Go to hell!
He: What did I say??!

(Later that evening)
He: Done?
He: How do you feel?
He: So how much did the bill end up to be?
He: 1000 bucks you said, didn't you?
He: You should have told the dentist he should apply to insurance and see what happens.
He: For all you know they might just cover it.
He: You are not talking. Looks like the procedure was tough. Well I hope it was worth it, since the insurance is not covering it.
He: oh you can speak!! So maybe the procedure wasn't that tough eh?
He: Definitely not worth the amount that the insurance did not cover for sure.
She: aargh!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

One Mistake

He: One mistake. One mistake and you are ruined? How could life be so cruel?
She: WHAT?
He: Huh?
She: What did you say?
He: I did not realize you were listening.
She: Well...I was!
He: It's not what you are thinking.
She: What do you think I am thinking?
He: You know what I think you are thinking.
She: Well, tell me then.
He: You know, jumping to conclusions.
She: What conclusion?
He: I change my statement. I have no clue what you are thinking.
She: Well you never have.
He: Oh come on now!
She: Well its the truth. You can never understand what's going through my mind.
He: Well that goes for every man in the world, now, doesn't it?
She: I am not talking about all the men in the world. I am talking about you!
He: Well I belong to that genus too!
She: Well you belong to me too!
He: Yes I do.
She: And that I believe is the root cause of your conversation starter.
He: 2 things here. I was not starting a conversation and I was definitely not implying anything.
She: Then what were you implying.
He: I was talking about the mistake that...
She: Well if it was your mistake, it was more mine.
He: Will you let me finish.
She: No!
He: What?
She: I don't want to hear the end of it. You have hurt me enough already.
He: Jesus Christ!
She: boo hoo hoo
He: My dearest, I was not referring to you.
She: Yeah, you were referring to the mistake you made in marrying me.
She: And now you are laughing when I am in tears. How insensitive can you be?
He: Oh please!
She: Boo hoo hoo hoo
He: All out!
She: What?
He: The Pakistani team, they are all out!
She: I am crying my eye balls here, and you are more worried about the Pakistani team being all out. It is not even your own team for crying out loud.
He: Well, how many times have I told you cricket should be watched for the game, not for the team.
She: Bah!
He: One mistake.
She: WHAT?
He: Afridi.
She: Afridi Who?
He: Goodness Gracious. Afridi, the Pakistani cricket captain, made the mistake of trying to slog and got out and that might have cost Pakistan the match.
She: oh!
He: What were you thinking?
She: umm...
He: I know what you were thinking!
She: No you don't!
He: Believe me, my love, after all these years I know exactly how your mind works.
She: haha
He: One sad thing though...
She: ?
He: You have no clue how mine works.
She: I do know how it works!
He: How?
She: Giving more importance to cricket than to your wife.
He: errr....well its the world cup after all you know.
She: I know!
He: Hee hee!
She: Bah!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A conversation...

She: What are you upto?
He: eh?
She: Are you busy?
He: well...
She: If it's taking you that long to answer you must not be.
He: lll....
She: Can we talk?
He: err...
She: Or you don't have time for me?
He: It's...
She: what?
He: Nothing.
She: You have time for me or no?
He: well...
She: Quit talking in monosyllables.
He: ok.
She: Stop it.
He: What?
She: Talking in monosyllables.
She: Say something.
She: Why are you not saying anything?
She: Bah. You are so difficult.
He: oh come on now! You asked me not to speak
She: In monosyllables I said.
He: Well that's what I could get in when I talk to you.
He: (uh-oh-oh)
She: I expect an apology from you right now.
He: Sorry.
She: There you go.
He: What?
She: Back to your monsyllables again.
He: Uff!
She: harumph! I am not talking with you ever again.
He: (woohoo)
She: And I mean ever, ever, ever again.
He: Now come on...
She: And never going to ever bother you again..or ask you anything..or tell you anything...or discuss anything with you...
He: (hoo boy!)
She: Why do I bother to even make a conversation with you is beyond me.
He: me too..
She: WHAT?
He: Nothing!
She: Yeah that's how much I mean to you.
He: I never said that!
She: Well you say a lot without saying anything.
He: I do?
She: Of course you do. Your monosyllables convey more meaning than my tirades.
He: Then why do you complain about them?
She: Uff
He: Hee hee
She: This is the last time I have tried to make a conversation with you. Expect never to hear me address you ever again.
He: (hoo boy!)
She: Make merry now I am going to leave you alone for ever.
He: Come on now...
She: Bye....this is what I get after years of marriage and devotion..not even a few minutes to give attention to what I am saying. I will never ever speak to him ever again. NEVER!

(10 mins later)
She: What are you upto?